Once upon a time, but not so long ago, there was a poor pimp, who had a plain looking chav girlfriend. He approached the local Mafia boss to make him more important and to make something of his life. He told him, “I have a girlfriend, who can change rubber into gold.”
The greedy boss was pleased to hear this, and summoned his girlfriend to arrive at his estate tomorrow morning. So the next day, he brought her to a small, dark room, and inside it, there were piles of stolen car tyres and an industrial washing machine. He warned her, “You must change these tyres into gold bling. If you do not want to be given as ASBO, you must do this task by the time Eastenders comes on this evening. The boss then locked the door behind him, leaving the girl behind all alone in the room.
The girl did not know how to turn the machine on, let alone change rubber into gold. She was afraid because she could do nothing. She could only cry. Suddenly, she heard a croaky groan coming from behind the tyres. She walked curiously but warily across the room towards the strange noise. She saw a half dressed man, who was lying there in a drunken stupor. The man said to her in a sleepy voice, “Why are you crying so loud, mate? You woke me up!”
“I’m crying,” she sobbed, “because I have to change these tyres into gold bling for the Mafia boss.”
“I see, so what’s the big problem with that?” The man asked, “Why are you crying like a baby because of such a thing? It’s not as if you need a qualification!”
“But nobody can change rubber into gold!” Cried the girl tearfully, “It cannot happen! It’s impossible, ain’t it?”
“I can do the task for you, but you have to give me something.” He said, while taking a swig of beer.
“I have my chewing gum, which I can give to you!” And then the drunkard slumped onto the chair got to work. The tyres were put into the washing machine, and it spun and spun and spun so fast, that the appliance was bouncing all over the room. And after countless loads during the day, the room was full of gold and no sign of any tyre.
Shortly before the beginning of the soap opera, the Mafia boss stepped into the room to inspect the gold. He was happy, but wanted more. The boss led the girl into another larger room. “Make gold with these two washing machines, the tyres are over by there.” The boss explained, “I want gold before my soap opera! You don’t want an ASBO, do you?”
Helpless and alone, the girl cried. But the same drunken man fell out of the old plywood cupboard, and for some drunken reason, he was wearing woman’s clothes. He belched, “What would you give me, if I make gold?”
“You can have my MP3 Player!” She said. The man stumbled over to the washing machines, and got to work. And the two washing machines spun and spun and spun all day. By the time the boss came, there was nothing left, apart from obnoxious gold jewellery. The gold pleased him, but he still wanted more. The girl was led to another and larger room, which had more washing machines and more rubber.
“If you give me gold jewellery from this rubber, I will reward you. Now work!” He commanded, as he slammed the door. The girl, who was more and more upset, sat on the chair and cried. She could do nothing but cry.
The man, who wore nothing but a tyre, appeared and slurred, “What will you give me, if I change rubber to gold?”
“But I have nothing for you! You bled me dry!” The girl replied. But they came to an agreement, that the man would get her first car. The man began work once again, and when done, there was a room full of gold. Wholly pleased with this gold, the boss have her a cheap slab of Special Brew lager.
A year later, the girl dubiously acquired her first Vauxhall Nova, and she totally forgot about the drunken man. But he mysteriously appeared in front of her council house, wearing only a toga, and he said, “Now give me what you promised.” The girl cried, and she offered him her cigarettes and CDs, but she couldn’t part from her car.
He took pity on her, and said, “If you can guess my name in three days, the car is yours.” But how could she find out his name in three days? She thought of every name in mind, and asked the regulars in the pub for ideas, but none were his name.
As her homies walked by the pub, they saw the drunkard in the gutter, where he fell. He mumbled a poem.
Today I drink; always I drink,
I sing a song for me.
I am so happy, happy like a horse,
Only I know, I’m called Barney.
The girl was happy that she knew the name, and when the man visited her house on the third day, he asked, “What is my name?”
“Ludwig?” She replied.
“No, try again!”
“How about Matthew?”
“I’m not called that!”
“Are you not Barney?”
“How did you know that? Have you been talking in that corner shop? That old hag has told you!”
Barney was so angry, he didn’t see the rake on the garden path, and he stamped his foot down so hard, that the rake impaled it. Today, he is claiming benefits and compensation.
this stuff is hilarious people should really know about this thing
ReplyDelete